We’ve all been there: the constant "shoulds" that lurk in the background of our thoughts, holding us hostage to societal expectations and self-imposed obligations. These "shoulds" don’t just fill up our to-do lists; they become the unspoken rules we follow, often without even realizing the toll they take on our well-being. But what if the very act of "shoulding" ourselves is the root of the problem?
In this post, we’ll dive into the impact of these hidden "shoulds"—how they shape our lives, influence our actions, and ultimately, how to start questioning them. Consider this a wake-up call to examine what’s really driving you and whether it aligns with the life you truly want to live.
How Society’s Expectations Steer Our Lives
How often do you catch yourself saying, “I should be doing this,” or “I should be further along by now”? The "shoulds" that come up throughout our days are rarely ever truly our own. They’re a result of external influences, whether from family, work, or society’s rigid expectations. As men, we’re often conditioned to measure success by how well we conform to these external standards—climbing the corporate ladder, “having it all together,” or being the perfect partner, all while maintaining a stoic, unshakable sense of masculinity.
The danger of constantly measuring ourselves against someone else’s blueprint is that we lose touch with our own desires and values. We end up following a path that doesn’t align with who we are, leading us to chase hollow goals and leave us feeling drained, stuck, or resentful. It’s time we examine what we’re really "shoulding" ourselves into.
The Struggle Between Who You Are and What You Think You "Should" Be
Living under the pressure of “shoulds” doesn’t just affect your productivity—it affects your authenticity. At some point, you may find that the things you thought you wanted, the path you believed you were supposed to be on, no longer resonate with you. You’re moving through life, ticking off the boxes of things you "should" be doing, but somewhere along the way, you’ve disconnected from what truly matters to you.
This disconnect is subtle at first. You might think it’s just a phase, or that you’re too busy to care. But over time, it wears on your mental health, leaving you frustrated, unmotivated, and perhaps even questioning what you’re doing with your life. It’s like being on a treadmill—constantly running but never getting anywhere.
When you’re living for someone else’s agenda, you stop listening to your body, your desires, and your instincts. Instead, you start listening to the noise of the world around you: the career you "should" be building, the image of masculinity you "should" be embodying, the life you "should" be living. But what happens when you stop to ask yourself, "Is this really what I want?"
The True Cost of Conforming
What’s the real cost of living under the weight of these "shoulds"? In the short term, it may feel productive. After all, you’re checking things off a list, getting stuff done. But in the long term, the price you pay is steep: burnout, resentment, and a sense of disconnection from your deeper desires.
By constantly chasing someone else’s definition of success, we lose touch with what truly brings us fulfillment. The “shoulds” rob us of our agency. They force us to act according to someone else’s plan, leaving us feeling empty, like we’re not living up to our potential—not because we’re incapable, but because we’ve been living according to someone else’s vision of success.
Think about it: how often have you spent energy pursuing goals that weren’t even yours? How much time have you wasted chasing things that didn’t resonate with your true self, only to find that they didn’t fulfill you? What did it cost you—time, energy, relationships, or peace of mind?
Breaking Free and Choosing Your Own Path
What if the answer isn’t about doing more or being more—it’s about doing less, but with more intention? Questioning the “shoulds” means reclaiming control over what we choose to prioritize in our lives. It’s time to stop chasing empty goals that leave us feeling hollow and start asking: What do I really want?
It starts by examining how the “shoulds” feel in your body. Do you feel tightness in your chest when you think about them? A knot in your stomach when faced with an obligation? Pay attention to these signals—your body is telling you something. True power and success don’t come from force or obligation; they come from a place of clarity and alignment with who you really are.
By listening to your body and feeling into what resonates and what doesn’t, you can start to create a life that is more aligned with your personal values and goals. This doesn’t mean dropping everything and running after a fantasy. But it does mean taking time to explore what truly energizes you, and finding ways to bring more of that into your life.
Understanding the Barriers to Living Authentically
Once you begin questioning these “shoulds,” it’s essential to take the next step: identifying the internal barriers that keep you stuck in this cycle. Often, it’s not the “shoulds” themselves that are the problem, but our internalized beliefs, fears, and old patterns that make them feel so heavy and unshakable.
What internal stories are you telling yourself that make these “shoulds” so difficult to challenge? Do you believe that being a “real man” means sacrificing your needs for the sake of others? Do you fear that you’re not enough if you don’t measure up to certain standards? These beliefs are often deeply ingrained and can hold you back from embracing the life you truly want.
Start by looking at the one “should” that feels the most uncomfortable or restrictive. What would need to shift inside of you to let it go? Is it a mindset shift, a change in your behavior, or perhaps, simply recognizing that it’s okay to set boundaries? Identifying these internal barriers is the first step in making meaningful changes.
Live from a Place of Choice, Not Obligation
The journey to living authentically starts with one simple realization: You don’t have to live by someone else’s script. You can rewrite your own story—one that aligns with your values, your desires, and your own unique path.
Letting go of the "shoulds" is not about avoiding responsibility or being passive. It’s about reclaiming your power, prioritizing what truly matters to you, and doing the hard work of confronting the internal barriers that keep you stuck.
This process takes time and effort. It requires introspection, courage, and a willingness to shed the expectations that don’t serve you. But by questioning the "shoulds," and embracing a life that reflects your true self, you can begin to live from a place of choice—not obligation.
Stop shoulding all over yourself. The life you’ve been chasing might just be the one you’ve been ignoring all along.
